I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
