so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
