if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
