wanna go halves on a baby?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
