Do you still have your period?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
