I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
