I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
