I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
