So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
