I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
