so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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