fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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