1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
