He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Randomize
