Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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