You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
