i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
