And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
