So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
