That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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