Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
