I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
