Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
