I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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