I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
