my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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