I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
