They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Panties = found
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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