I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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