I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
