I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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