idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
