Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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