tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When are your genitals available?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
