drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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