Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
how does that bad decision feel?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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