Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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