Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
