I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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