please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
