Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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