i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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