Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
