when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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