My pussy is not your playground.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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