Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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