Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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