i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
