Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
