Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
