I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
