Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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