the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
