apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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