I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
