someone threw a dead crab at me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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