I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
one might say we're banned from that church
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
