I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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